My childhood was filled with the chaos that comes with being
a member of a severely dysfunctional family. I experienced a great deal of physical, sexual and emotional abuse between the
age of 3 and 11. I was removed by child services at age 11 and did not make it back to my family until I was 17. I was able
to graduate high school and begin my life as an adult shortly after.
I do not believe the issues I have had with my
gender have anything to do with my childhood experiences although I realize those experiences have affected my life in
many other ways. I have had issues with low self esteem which I blame partly on the childhood abuse but also the
feelings of guilt that came with believing I was a pervert because I felt like a boy and acted like
one. I was unable to comfortably interact with my peers whether they were male or female because I felt like a perverted
freak and and was most comfortable remaining a loner.
My confidence started creeping up when I finally
became willing to explore the male feelings I had in depth and learned I was not the only person suffering
with the issue. In fact thousands of people also suffered from this and it actually had been given the name Gender
Dysphoria.
It took a few years before I truly accepted it
and decided to go forth despite what those around me might say or think. I guess it is safe to say that I had remained in
a severe state of depression from my late teens until my early 20's when I began transition. Back then I probably would have
attributed the depression to the lack ability to relate to myself as a female and the lack of confidence I had while
interacting with my peers.
I guess there was a period of maybe 6-8 months
where I remember them being there but at the time I was unable to identify them as hallucinations. When they got to where
they scared me I decided I needed to talk to a doctor about it so after talking to my counselor I made an appointment with
a psychiatrist.
Looking back now I feel there was more to it then that but, I am
unable to say whether it feels like it was more of an environmental factor or some type of chemical imbalance. I do know
that despite dealing with depression I was able to succeed at the goals I set.
I attended counseling bi-weekly to help cope with the stress and
isolation that resulted from the gender identify issues. When I was ready to move forward with my transition she referred
me to a counselor who was qualified to make the official assessment.
By the time of my first appointment with the gender
counselor I had been living and identifying as a male for for quite a while. Close to a year and a half I believe. Most people
believed me to be a teenage boy. I was cleared for hormones at the first session and agreed to follow
up with her for a total of three more sessions over the next two months in order to get the letter Ok'ing me
for surgery.
I continued the sessions with my private counselor
while being seen by the gender counselor and found it to be a great resource because I was really nervous and the "what
ifs" were driving me nuts. All went well though and after my remaining 3 sessions I was awarded the letter clearing me for
any future surgeries.
Over the next few years
life went really smooth. Even though I remained pre-op I was genuinely confident and proud of who I was for
the first time in my life and it showed in everything I did. I was convinced nothing could ever take that away from me,
that was until early/mid 2006.
I had ended up in the hospital for emergency
surgery on two different occasions, then I was readmitted a 3rd time for complications. All this happened in
a six month period and it really had me stressed out. A few months after the third hospitalization I started having symptoms
of a whole different nature. The symptoms I am referring to are hallucinations and delusions.
After several months of visits with the psychiatrist
he diagnosed me with Schizophrenia. I was devastated and it seems at that very moment my life ended. As if the symptoms that
come with such an illness aren't hard enough to deal with I had to learn how to cope with the stigmas and stereotypes attached
to the diagnosis. I had to learn to cope with the instant changes in the way friends treated me when they learned about
the diagnosis and it wasn't easy. It has been around a year since the diagnosis was made and my physical
and mental health have deteriorated a lot.
Not long after the diagnosis I cut off contact with most
of my remaining friends, all of my family, then I moved to the opposite side of the state and resorted to a life
of solitude which is where I have remained. I am grateful this illness hit when it did because it very well could have
robbed me of the opportunity to transition.
I have overcome many things in my life and I am sure I will
continue to do so, but I must admit my fear is great and my courage is little at this point in my life.
What I want to instill in each of your minds is this. We
are men and women, and we are no different than the rest of the men and women in the world. We are susceptible to the
same physical and mental conditions they are.
We are not super humans with super strengths. Please don't
feel that you are expected to be. Doing so can rob you of years of happiness you've worked so hard to achieve and maintain.
